Sleeping update

It’s been a few weeks and I wanted to update on how our sleep has been going. 

After my last blog post we are 14 sleeps in….I think! 12 of those were sleep throughs and twice they woke through the night. They are waking anywhere between 5 and 7am. 

We’ve kept a few things changed, the door is open a tiny crack and I leave the bathroom light on, they double check that I’m going to do this every night. The Pom Pom jars are a hit and they have filled them up twice for sleeping in their beds all night and have been very excited to go to the shop and get a treat! It’s the cutest thing watching them wander around and chat to each other about what to get! We go to Poundland (so there’s no huge expense) but their little faces light up at the prospect of choosing something! It melts my heart. 

I’d talked to a few (maybe ALOT) of parents in my tinytalk classes about the twins not sleeping the last month or so.. it’s been hard work and so many people have given me tips and tricks and listened to me moan about my lack of sleep 🙈😴..I even forgot Tinytalk teddy one week!!!! Eekkkk!

One of the big things that’s helped was their new sleep dolls. My big sister up in Scotland had been working away on some *magic* special sleep dolls for the twins and they arrived just over 2 weeks ago! Funnily enough they arrived on the day I broke down in my mother in law’s front garden completely sleep deprived and exhausted! That night they’d had me up every hour and a half from midnight. I was completely fucked.. and then having to work as well as run the house and look after the kids. It all felt like it was getting on top of me. My house was a mess, dusty, bins over flowing and washing piled up everywhere. I know I have to realise that I can’t do it all and some things have to give – for example.. I may not take the poo out of the cat littler tray straight away every time.. I wait until the bin is overflowing until I empty it.. because I’m the only person to change the bin and I HATE doing it, same with the recycling, the clean washing will sometimes stay in the basket for a week before I fold it and put it away, but you know.. that’s life sometimes. 

Anyway.. back to the dolls..

Willow’s is a dolly that she has named Sienna and Rocco’s is a cat that he has named Mummy (😂). They have day clothes and pyjamas and one side they are awake and the other side they are asleep! They come with their own teddies and pillows and inside their hearts are made from their daddy’s clothes..well, the twins LOVED them! They were so excited about going to bed with them! It was lovely to watch!I really hoped they’d help with their sleep.. and that night was the first night of 7 consecutive sleep throughs! Amazing! I can tell they are going to love and treasure them forever.

My big sister is kind and thoughtful and has such a huge heart and I’m so grateful for her to take the time out of her hectic life to make these for the twins. She’s just amazing and I’m lucky to have her. Big sisters are the best! We might not see eye to eye all the time and we are very much like chalk and cheese a lot of the time but I love her and if I could I’d move closer to her in an instant. Her love and support means everything to me.

I’m looking forward to having a break from work over the summer and Sienna is off to her dads for a few weeks for the holidays. I’m looking forward to having that break. The kids have all had ups and downs the last few months. There’s been some days where I’ve not been sure if I could make it to the next day. 

I did, ofcourse. 

I feel like I’ve come out the other side. Yet I also feel cheated that,again, I get put through some kind of ordeal. Haven’t I gone through enough? Can’t life just be simple for abit? Those that believe in God often say that He has a plan for us and that’s it, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger? I’m just not sure I believe that.

 Some days I can feel completely broken and ready to give up. Other days I’m fine. What’s sad is that whenever something is going well, or life in general is going smoothly, I start to feel that anxiety that something bad will happen. Because how can I be allowed to be happy? Surely something will happen to make me sad again, abit like a vicious circle! That makes me sad but I also feel abit resigned that this is how it is. 

Anyway.. we are all getting sleep. This is the main thing. The kids are doing well. I’m doing well. My anger with Toby has died down, I’d felt guilty for that. 

We’re coming up to 3 years soon. 27th July marks 3 years ago the twins were christened. And that date there starts the countdown to the 3rd anniversary of Toby’s death. 

We started his trial drug after the twins were christened and 6 weeks after that, he died. 8 weeks after the christening we were back in the same church for his funeral. 

But for now..I must sleep. X 

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