Father’s Day

I’ve just read the blog that I wrote last year. It’s interesting to read. I feel similar in some ways and so different in other ways. 

I think I feel absolutely nothing. It’s not that I don’t care, I don’t mean that but I think I more just feel abit dead inside to it all. Last year I was upset reading all the Father’s Day posts on Facebook, this year I don’t feel anything. I feel sad that I don’t have Toby to share this day with, goes without saying. But other than that I feel not much emotion. 

I just feel really tired. 

It’s hot, the twins have turned into rubbish sleepers and I’m just exhausted, I feel like all my nerve endings have been numbed. I feel nothing. No sadness, no anger and no pain. I tried to remember a Father’s Day with Toby and I couldn’t. I remember what we bought him for his last one, Sienna got him a wrestling tshirt and  the twins a book for him to read to them. And I think I put their hand print in a card. Other than that I have no idea. 

I took the twins up to visit Toby’s grave. Rocco slightly confused asked if I was actually taking him to see his daddy or were we just going to where the flowers were. I think he was relieved when I said we were just going to water the flowers. He has become a very clingy child, he wont go anywhere without me or stray far from my side. I took them to their friend’s party today and it was nice to see them dash off to play as they don’t do that much at the moment. 

I’m planning on sleep training then again and to be honest this, more than Father’s Day, has been more of a worry on my mind.

Distraction is good, I guess, although I’d rather have twins that slept through the night.. 🤔x


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