It’s been a busy 6 months or so and I’ve found I haven’t had time to write like I’d want to. I have drafts of blog posts that I haven’t had chance to finish. But today, whilst away for the week, I’ve had time…
This valentine’s day is the 4th one without Toby. It amazes me how quick the years fly by and before I know it, it will be more years without him than when we were married. Whilst this thought makes me sad I wouldn’t change a thing, I’d still spend those precious years with you, doing everything we did together, enduring everything we went through, even knowing how our story ended. I miss him every day and that will never change, my love for him will never change.
As I start 2018, I start it feeling different . A happy different in comparison to all the other years I started anew without Toby. And that’s thanks to one person. This new person who’s entered my life and made me feel more like me again.
I didn’t think it would be possible to find someone who would take me as I am. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to find someone. I’m a different person to who I was before Toby died. I’m definitely more relaxed and don’t worry or react to things, but there’s always a sadness around me, there’s scars that no one sees and that, I imagine, can be a lot for someone to deal with on the outside looking in.
But you take it all in your stride. You tell me I’m perfect, even though I know I’m not. You listen to me when I talk about Toby, asking questions along the way. You don’t bat an eyelid when I go to call you Toby, and it happens quite a lot, you don’t get annoyed or feel like you’re in his shadow (because you know you’re not). Instead you tell me you understand and not to worry.
You don’t pressure me on anything. You sat there that Friday in December, in my living room, as I cried my eyes out getting out the Christmas decorations. You were patient with me, as always. You asked what I needed from you and you let me cry long and hard until there were no more tears to cry. You tell me that you hope Toby approves of you and how you have come into our lives and you say you hope he thinks you are doing a good job. I know you are.
You listen, you give advice on all things parent related or otherwise and you love me and my children unconditionally.
You tell me when I’ve dreamt about Toby, if I’ve called out his name and you are not afraid to bring up his name in conversation. I love this about you. That you have such honour and acceptance for my marriage with Toby. There’s still so much that I’m still learning about you but I love what I have learnt already.
Above all I think I love how you have made me laugh again, real hard belly laughs. It’s been a long time since I laughed like that and I had missed it so, so much.
You’ve made today special not by extravagant gifts but by little notes and gestures around the cottage. It’s the best feeling ever. You very much make life feel worthwhile again.
I’m not sure what I did to deserve you to come into my life, but I’m so pleased you did. As we sit in our little cottage, on holiday, in Scotland, in-front of the fire, with the twins in bed, waiting for Sienna to make us dinner, I thank my lucky stars I met you when I did. I’m a big believer in timing and fate. You came along at the most perfect time in the most perfect way.
You make life happy again whilst never taking away what I had with Toby. You’re the Chapter 2 in my story, the chapter I didn’t know would come along, the page I didn’t know I’d have to turn ..and I couldn’t be happier. ❤️